Make a Habit

I’m so humbled by the response I’ve received from my first two blog entries!  Thank you so much for the support!  As we continue I want to be clear that my weight loss and fitness goals are very realistic.  I have no intention of trying to look like Gisele Bundchen.  Lord knows the bikini waxes alone would kill me.  I just want to be the very best version of myself, which is probably more like a post “Dancing with the Stars” Ricky Lake.

With that said, twenty two days ago I embarked on a soul searching, find inner peace, and love yourself journey.  I have been saying kind things to myself, working on my body’s spiritual energy, and… eating.  A lot.  I’m doing the mind & spirit work, but not following any nutritional guidelines whatsoever.  As a result I have taken on the exact symmetrical shape of a sphere.  My torso is a perfect circle. I am the "apple shape" personified, and it isn't nearly as healthy as it sounds. 

In addition to the extra pouds I'm packing on, I also have major brain fog.  At least that’s what I hope is going on, or I am in serious need of a good neurosurgeon.  All the sugar and unhealthy carbs are affecting my thinking.  Just tonight a guy made a joke to me about solving a problem with his good friend “Jack Daniels.”  I pride myself on being fairly quick witted, so when all I could yammer was, “Yeah, I know, I prefer my friend, uh, you know, the umm, tequila guy,” I knew this was my brain’s way of protesting my current nutritional regime of all things white & sugary.  Yes, I want to make this a journey about loving myself enough to consciously choose the right foods; but, in the meantime I’d like to avoid having to ride one of those motorized shopping carts at Wal-Mart because I am too fat to walk the aisles.

Moments ago I read a quote on Facebook that said, “We first make our habits.  Then our habits make us.”  Maybe first I have to make changes in my diet, even if it is unenthusiastically, and then love will follow?

Two years ago I adopted a very healthy eating plan that I actually enjoyed once my body got over the shock of not being fueled by sugar.  I ended up losing 30 pounds before I began to self-sabotage in typical “Janel behavior” (much more on that later).  My energy soared, my thoughts were clear, and as an extra bonus people quit asking me when I was due.  It’s not a quick fix, there’s no magic pill.  It’s just a lot of planning ahead and eating protein, whole grains, and healthy carbohydrates. 

I was hoping to fall head over heels in love with myself first, and then have the motivation to properly nourish my body, but maybe if I first make the habit, the habit will make me.

Love & blessings!

 

A Message from the Big Guy

Happy Sunday everyone!  I went to church today.  Most of mass was spent wrestling with my three year old in the back pew reserved for families with small children.  Truthfully, I did more worrying about the darn germs from boogers and drool infesting our seats than praying.  It’s no small miracle that these words from the 2nd reading caught my attention:

Do you not know that your body

is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you,

whom you have from God, and that you are not your own?

For you have been purchased at a price.

Therefore glorify God in your body. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

Apparently God got the memo that I am writing a blog about this very subject. Hmm, I see He's not a follower yet...

We are souls having a human experience.  I read that in a book several years ago and it resonated with me.  I truly see myself as a soul learning lessons about love and fear, traveling around Earth in a little vehicle that God picked out just for me-my body!

Some people, whether they consciously know it or not, really get this concept.  They treat their bodies like a temple.  They nourish it with nutrients, exercise and stretching.  Cherishing it like a child might treasure a favorite present on Christmas morning. They are taking care of the gift that God created with only them in mind.

I, however well intentioned, lose sight of this fact.  I let emotions get in the way.  Emotions I don't want to surface because I don’t want to feel them.  So I stuff them down metaphorically, and literally, with food.  Mostly they're emotions birthed in my youth:  Anger, resentment, & abandonment- stemming from my brother’s death and the deep festering wound his absence created for our family.  Embarrassment, shame, & guilt from being the teenager who needed attention from boys to make up for the emptiness I couldn’t possibly have known how to express at the time. 

I’ve carried this junk (and more!) with me for 36 years!  I continue to punish myself for having feelings-stuffing them down deeper and deeper each time they try to surface.  And the mean things I say to myself!   I'd never suggest to someone I love to shut up because they “don’t have it that bad,” or because “it could be a lot worse.”  In A Course in Weight Loss, Marianne Williamson is quick to point out that if we don’t lean on God, we will lean on something or someone else in a very unhealthy way.  She says, "It is when you allow God to be bigger, that you allow yourself to be physically smaller.  You will begin to give up your burdens when you remember there is someone there to give them to.”

Today’s scripture was a perfect way for me to be reminded to give up my burdens so that I can truly enjoy and treasure the gift, this body, God chose for me.   My sincere prayer is that this blog finds its way to you when you most need reassurance of this beautiful & sacred truth. 

Love & blessings!

Been There, Done Fat!

Welcome to my very first blog!  It will be used as a tool to connect with others who are on the same spiritual, emotional, and physical journey through weight loss as me.  I thought about calling it "You Have Such a Pretty Face!" because I have wanted to punch more than one person in their pretty face for saying that to me.  However, "Been There, Done Fat" pretty much sums up how I feel.  So we'll go with that!   

I am not interested in reading one more book on how to lose weight.  I have read everyone from Dr. Phil to Dr. Atkins, and I am confident I know how.  In fact I could easily devote this entire blog to healthy recipes that fit into a 1,500 calorie diet rich in fruit, veggies and protein. I've lost the same 25-30 lbs. over and over again for the past 5 years.  Let me be clear:  I. Know. How.

What I don't know how to do is how to want to lose weight.  I have read enough Geneen Roth and Marianne Williamson books to know it has nothing to do with the food going in my mouth.  I am hungry, in fact starving for something, but it's not food.  Marianne says, "you tend to take in too much material substance when you are starving yourself of spiritual substance." 

This journey is really about discovering the "why" behind my compulsive eating. Maybe I can help others  see that it's not about just making better food choices or getting up and exercising.  It's complicated and often scary. 

I want to be kind to this body that has carried me through 36 years of life and birthed 3 beautiful, healthy babies. I want to further explore this foreign idea of loving myself.  No doubt it will be much like a solo backpacking expedition up Mt. Everest.  I am aware of the maniacal menacing voice that lives comfortably inside my head constantly reminding me that I am not good enough, not thin enough, not patient enough, not funny enough, not smart enough, (insert any other self-deprecating remark you can think of here).  I am serving that voice its eviction notice.  It needs to pack its bags and hit the road.  To quote Stuart Smalley,: “I’m good enough. I’m smart enough.  And doggone it people like me.”

It’s estimated that 66% of all women in the United States over the age of 20 are overweight.  33% of them are obese.  I will not contribute to that upsetting statistic any more.  Like Marianne Williamson suggests in A Course in Weight Loss, I am surrendering.  I am waving the white flag with my chubby little hand.  I cannot do this alone.  I have proven time and time again that I am a failure at diets and weight loss plans.  I surrender and I am giving it to a higher power. 

This is your invitation to join me.